Away From the Sun
by Moony73
Summary: In the underground caverns of Greyback's werewolf camp, Remus faces the fact that, yes, it was his choice to leave the Wizarding world. But unwilling is he to face the woman that he affects so much with his choices. RLNT


_When I'm Gone_

* * *

**A/N: Written for my own musings. Just a series of songfics that run throughout book 6. **

**The next one will be up tomorrow. Enjoy!**

* * *

_There's another world inside of me_… I don't think you ever knew. I wanted you to find out on your own. To learn this lesson. Why can't you just leave me in this hell of my own?

The water is dripping from the ceiling. Pissing him off again. The nocturnal sounds of breathing, growling, whimpering, they're the sounds of madness, of being trapped in this godforsaken place. Merlin, he thinks. He can't think straight, or make sense of the words buzzing in his head.

_That you may never see_… he never wanted Tonks to know. He just… wanted to protect her.

The news of the underground, the society of werewolves, had leaked through to the public. And they would not allow him back into the Wizarding world. Not when he had been branded already. They knew the number, and the moon lurking across the tight skin.

Greyback's mark lingered dutifully on his chest. He was here for one purpose, and it was for Dumbledore. That was why he had allowed them to burn it across his heart.

"_There are secrets in this life_, that I can't show you love." Those had been his words weeks ago, before he had decided to come here. Through the darkness… He's never known the meaning of _light _when it comes to his life. Since Sirius' death, he has given up on the chance of light and warmth. It wasn't until Tonks touched him, got under his skin, did the hope spark to life.

Dammit, _that I can't hide_. He couldn't hide anymore underneath in the wet, dank camps. The public knew, _she_ knew where and what he was doing now.

_Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find_, it's you, love. I can't find you here through this. The growling rumbled through to his ears once his hand found flesh. Jerking away, he's surprised to notice that there are actually werewolves sleeping in the same chamber as he.

Of course, supposing the impossible chance that Dumbledore might succeed didn't give him greater review when it came to support, but the fact that they were anywhere near him was unbelievable.

_Maybe it's too far away_… he reaches out in the darkness in front of him. _Or maybe I'm just blind_… the darkness coveres his eyes like a blindfold. Yeah, or _maybe I'm just blind_… he blinks in the darkness. Nighttime is overrated to him. Or maybe he just can't tell the time of the day anymore. It's too dark in the cavern system anyway. So, love, so. "_Hold me when I'm here,_ while you can, while you still love me," he knows that his words will make the others' ears prick in irritation, but they shouldn't have chosen to share _his_ chamber.

"_Right me when I'm wrong_," he mutters. "You should've kept me around while you had the chance." Someone's arms move to reach for him, but he's against the farthest wall, away from the entry. Great for escape, he thinks morbidly.

"_Hold me when I'm scared_, _and love me when I'm gone_," Hell, I'm hoping against hope you still love me, he thinks silently.

_Everything I am_, every part of my being, Nymphadora, he mutters sullenly to himself through the silence, and _everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be_. But no, I'm not the whole, lovely man you need. Why did you choose _me_?

_I'll never let you down_. Even when he knows that he's doing just that, letting her down by sitting here in the damp cavern. The burn across his chest aches to remind him.

_Even if I could I'd give up everything_, every last thing I've got to my name, and every part of me _if only for your good_.

_So hold me when I'm here_, you should've held me when I was close to you, I'm trying so hard not to blame myself, he thinks guiltily and blames Merlin and Dumbledore for each blunder he's made when it comes to those he loved. They've each fallen away.

When I was wrong, you should've hammered the right answer into my skull until I repeated you. _Right me when I'm wrong_. _You can hold me when I'm scared_, I'll let you, my little Nymph. _You won't always be there_, and I know this so well, but you tell me otherwise. I'm gone, what are you waiting for to leave? You're apartment is only across London.

_So love me when I'm gone_. Do you still love me? _Love me_… _when I'm gone_… I'm right here._ When your education X-Ray cannot see under my skin_, when you figure out that you can't get to me, you always use that excuse, that it's because you love me. Reminiscing, he remembers her words.

"C'mon, dammit! Let me see it! I know what's going on, Lupin! I know where you've been and you can't say it's out of the country!"

Through the dark, he counters her. He knows she's not around to hear him. But bearing and dealing with the guilt is all he can handle. Damn it to hell whether or not she could hear it.

"_I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends_." James' and Sirius' faces flash across his memory. He couldn't even tell Sirius what he had been planning for himself this whole time. He's sitting here in the darkness, wondering, if after all, it wasn't such a great plan. Sirius would hunt him down as Padfoot and murder him for this.

"I'd go back to Azkaban for a real reason," he always muttered darkly.

_Roaming through this darkness_, roaming through the darkness, on hands and knees he struggles to see the entryway to the cramped cavern chamber. I_'m alive but I'm alone_, halfheartedly he thinks, _part of me is fighting this_. _But part of me is gone_. I love you, Nymphadora. _Or maybe I'm just blind_… I'm blind to your love.

Along the cavern walls he struggles until the smells of the world beyond and the forest outside the cave light his senses. He heads toward one of the many tunnels that lead out.

_Love me when I'm gone_…

He stands above ground looking up at the moon through the bare branches that reach up to the sky defiant against the chill in the air. Winter was coming, but he wasn't leaving anytime soon to go back to his love.

_Love me when I'm gone_. Closing his eyes, he sighs against the truth of reality. I'm here. And you're there, still waiting. Still loving.

I'm gone.

* * *

**Music and lyrics belong to 3 Doors Down. **

**Characters and other related Magical world items belong to J. K. Rowling. **

**Thanks for reading!**

* * *

_Moony73_


End file.
